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Jasmine Duckworth shares a raw moment of wrestling with pain and fear late at night. She explores the vulnerability that comes with not having control over our struggles. Her story highlights the deep human need for God’s presence in difficult, restless times.
It’s 1 in the morning and I’m lying in bed unable to sleep.
My head is killing me. I’ve taken super strength Tylenol and a couple doses of Advil but I can still hear the blood pulsing in my ears and my brain feels pinched.
Falling asleep is usually a slow process for me and so I replay things in my mind to unwind. Then I move on to imagining the things I’m looking forward to. I fall asleep most nights visualizing my hopes.
Changing feelings about the future
But lately every future plan is tinged with fear. Hope is replaced with apprehension. I flip through my usual bedtime thoughts to try to find one that’s calming but come up empty handed.
How can life go on like this? How can we survive being trapped by this pandemic indefinitely? There has to be a breaking point, and surely it must be soon. This is untenable.
Cry for help during sleepless night
I flip onto my back and cry out to God – I can’t sleep. All I have in my head is pain and fear. What am I supposed to do? I’m stressed and restless and can’t sleep.
As soon as I voice it, I remember a conversation I had with my husband a couple weeks ago.
I told him “help me remember that when I’m feeling stressed and restless those are symptoms that I need more oxygen. I can’t recognize it myself when I’m in it.”
Using a breathing bag for relief
Immediately I realize that’s the problem so I flip on the light, grab my breathing bag (technically called a Lung Volume Recruitment kit) and pump up my lungs. And oh goodness does it hurt. It feels like lightning in my brain. I swoon a little, but then breathe normally. Obviously my lungs had been restricted for some time.
A couple more pumps and the tension is gone from my body, the headache has subsided considerably, and my mind is clear.
Seeing a comforting reminder
As I sit, enjoying the air, I see the embroidered wall hanging beside my bed. Bis hierher hat uns der Herr geholfen!
Thus far the Lord has helped us!
It’s from 1 Samuel 7:12 and it’s true. He has brought me this far.
Finding answers in prayer
In my pain addled, oxygen deprived brain I called out to God and told him my problem. “I’m stressed and restless!” And in my prayer, was the answer I needed. I needed someone to help me recognize my symptoms. I needed someone with me.
He is with me and he has brought me this far. Together we’ll move through whatever else is coming.
About the Author:
Jasmine Duckworth:
Jasmine has been working with Karis Disability Services since 2004, and has been disabled herself since 2015. When not working as a Community Development Manager she is a mom, wife, and obsessive knitter. She can be reached at jduckworth@karis.org.
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Jasmine Duckworth shares a raw moment of wrestling with pain and fear late at night. She explores the vulnerability that comes with not having control over our struggles. Her story highlights the deep human need for God’s presence in difficult, restless times.
It’s 1 in the morning and I’m lying in bed unable to sleep.
My head is killing me. I’ve taken super strength Tylenol and a couple doses of Advil but I can still hear the blood pulsing in my ears and my brain feels pinched.
Falling asleep is usually a slow process for me and so I replay things in my mind to unwind. Then I move on to imagining the things I’m looking forward to. I fall asleep most nights visualizing my hopes.
Changing feelings about the future
But lately every future plan is tinged with fear. Hope is replaced with apprehension. I flip through my usual bedtime thoughts to try to find one that’s calming but come up empty handed.
How can life go on like this? How can we survive being trapped by this pandemic indefinitely? There has to be a breaking point, and surely it must be soon. This is untenable.
Cry for help during sleepless night
I flip onto my back and cry out to God – I can’t sleep. All I have in my head is pain and fear. What am I supposed to do? I’m stressed and restless and can’t sleep.
As soon as I voice it, I remember a conversation I had with my husband a couple weeks ago.
I told him “help me remember that when I’m feeling stressed and restless those are symptoms that I need more oxygen. I can’t recognize it myself when I’m in it.”
Using a breathing bag for relief
Immediately I realize that’s the problem so I flip on the light, grab my breathing bag (technically called a Lung Volume Recruitment kit) and pump up my lungs. And oh goodness does it hurt. It feels like lightning in my brain. I swoon a little, but then breathe normally. Obviously my lungs had been restricted for some time.
A couple more pumps and the tension is gone from my body, the headache has subsided considerably, and my mind is clear.
Seeing a comforting reminder
As I sit, enjoying the air, I see the embroidered wall hanging beside my bed. Bis hierher hat uns der Herr geholfen!
Thus far the Lord has helped us!
It’s from 1 Samuel 7:12 and it’s true. He has brought me this far.
Finding answers in prayer
In my pain addled, oxygen deprived brain I called out to God and told him my problem. “I’m stressed and restless!” And in my prayer, was the answer I needed. I needed someone to help me recognize my symptoms. I needed someone with me.
He is with me and he has brought me this far. Together we’ll move through whatever else is coming.